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Sexual Health Information |
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What to expect
Parents are the first sex educators of their children. Even if you never speak a word about sexuality to your children, you are giving them a message about it. In reality, we have no choice about whether we educate about sexuality. We only have a choice as to how.
In general, children follow certain stages of sexual development. Understanding their natural development will help you deal with their issues as they grow up. It will also give you some idea of what is considered expected behaviour.
At birth:
your child begins a lifelong process of learning who he or she is as a sexual being
your baby boy can have erections
your baby girl's vagina is wet
By the end of the first year:
it is common for both boys and girls to touch their genitals
children have feelings about their bodies long before they can talk
Hint:
your child's good feelings about his or her body will grow as you cuddle, feed, change and talk to your child (It is easier for infants who receive loving touch to be physically and emotionally close to other people when they become adults)
By about age three or four:
your child will probably ask questions about sex (they will continue to ask questions as they grow up)
children are curious about themselves and others
sex play may lead to sex play with other children (sex play is common age three to eight between children of the same sex or the opposite sex)
most sex play is silly (based in curiosity) and soon over
there is also some sex play which is not what we would expect (for example, if there is force, a big difference in age or the sex play is very explicit, there may be a problem)
Hint:
make sure your answers to questions are honest, short and to the point
By age four:
your child will probably have learned the names for all their body parts
you may have taught them dictionary words for genitals
they will know which words are socially acceptable
you may have taught them where babies grow and that babies are made by mothers and fathers
children will often act out both male and female roles (for example, girls may pretend to shave like Daddy; boys may try on Mommy's clothes - this is normal)
children should know whether they are a boy or a girl
Between ages five and eight:
many children become modest and need privacy
Hint:
parents should respect their child's right to privacy (for example, if the door is closed, knock)
your child should learn that some things, like masturbation, are private (if your child forgets, remind him or her that private pleasures are for private places)
Between ages nine and fourteen:
your child will start the changes of puberty
your daughter's body will begin changes which lead to her first period
your son's body will develop towards his first ejaculation
Hint:
your child needs to know well ahead of time what will happen to them and why
your child needs reassurance
remember that no two children will develop at exactly the same time or exactly in the same way
And ...
By the time your child is a teenager, he or she will have learned many things about sexuality. They will also have learned values that may not be the same as yours. If you are not sure what your child knows or how they feel, ask. Keep on talking and listening. Open communications with you will help your child make decisions.
You are not alone in wanting to make sure your children grow up to become sexually healthy adults. There are many books available for both you and your children. Talk with other parents.
Additional information?
Your local libraries and bookstores are good places to find books about sex, sexuality, sexual orientation and transgenderism.
Parents
For more information:
AIDS and Sexual Health InfoLine 1-800-668-2437
Toronto Health Connection 416-338-7600
Parents' concerns
As children grow, parents are faced with different challenges and issues related to the sexual development of their children. The information and values you received as a child from the family in which you grew up will affect how you deal with your children's sexuality. As a parent, you can pick and choose from the information and values you leaned as a child to use with your own children.
Concern: giving too much information to children about sex
With or without sex education, children are still finding out about sex, from friends, from the media, from the Internet and from society in general.
What to do:
Give your children correct information; it will help them make healthy choices.
Concern: babies and children touching and exploring their genitals
Children touch themselves because they are curious and also because it is pleasurable. While not all parents feel comfortable with this, doctors believe that masturbation or self-pleasuring is perfectly healthy and normal.
What to do:
From about the age of four, when your child touches his or her genitals, remind them that private pleasures are for private places. You are telling them that it is okay to give themselves pleasure - but that it is not okay to do it in public.
Concern: children playing dress-up, acting out both male and female roles
For example, girls pretend to shave like Daddy and boys may try on dresses at the dress-up centre in the daycare. This is normal. Children are learning about the other gender. By the age of thee or four, though, children should know whether they are a boy or a girl.
What to do:
Encourage your young children to learn about the other gender in their play.
Concern: children engaging in sex play with other children - sometimes with children of the same sex and sometimes with children of the opposite sex
Children are curious about themselves and others. Sex play is common between the ages of three and eight. They are learning the differences between boys and girls and also what's the same. Most sex play is normal.
However, some types of play are unexpected. For instance, children may clearly imitate adult sexual acts; one child may force or bribe another; or there may be a big difference in age between the children. Sometimes, this type of sexual interference indicates previous sexual abuse.
What to do:
If you are concerned about behaviour you have seen or been told about, call the Children's Aid for advice, or talk to your child's daycare staff, local Public Health Unit or school staff.
Concern: touching - what is okay and what is not okay?
We all need to be touched and held - all our lives. Hopefully, most touching that children receive is loving, positive and healthy. Touch gives them a feeling of closeness, comfort, safety and peace. Most parents want to know how to protect their children without scaring them. The reality is that children are usually sexually abused by someone they know and trust.
What to do:
- teach your child what is okay and what is not okay in touching
- teach your child dictionary words for all body parts, including the genitals, so they are able to communicate with you and others if there is a problem
- teach your child that they have the right to refuse unwanted touch even though they may not be able to
- encourage your child to tell you anytime someone makes them feel "funny"
You are not alone in wanting to make sure your children grow up to become sexually healthy adults. There are many books available for both you and your children. Talk with other parents.
Additional information?
Your local libraries and bookstores are good places to find books about sex, sexuality, sexual orientation and transgenderism.
Parents
For more information:
AIDS and Sexual Health InfoLine 1-800-668-2437
Toronto Health Connection 416-338-7600
Tips for Parents
Tips for parents of young children:
- Accept the task of being the first sex educator of your children.
- Find out about childhood sexuality in the same way you would about discipline or toilet training. (You do not have to be the world's expert.)
- There are books available in the library and bookstores.
- Check out what videos are available too.
- Talk with other parents.
- Daycares and schools can schedule and evening to discuss this subject.
- If you can, use real words rather than baby words for genitals. This makes them just like other parts of the human body. It gives the message that there is nothing shameful about the genitals. This is also a safety measure; it gives the child clear language if they need to describe an even or a concern.
- Be open to questions. Welcome children's questions even if you cannot answer them at the time.
- If a child doesn't ask, don't wait forever. You can start the conversation by saying, "When I was young, I used to wonder about ..." then tell your child what used to puzzle you.
- Look for teachable moments, like when you run into your visibly pregnant neighbour.
- Find out what they already know before you start answering a child's question. Then, answer their question in a respectful, non-judgmental way - especially if you want them to ask again.
- Try not to overreact to what is considered normal sexual curiosity or play.
- It's okay to let your children know how you feel about things. Share your values with them in a respectful way.
You are not alone in wanting to make sure your children grow up to become sexually healthy adults. There are many books available for both you and your children. Talk with other parents.
Additional information?
Your local libraries and bookstores are good places to find books about sex, sexuality, sexual orientation and transgenderism.
Parents
For more information:
AIDS and Sexual Health InfoLine 1-800-668-2437
Toronto Health Connection 416-338-7600
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