Support for Parents & Caregivers

The 5 Point Plan for Talking about Bodies, Boundaries, and Safety

This 5-Point Plan can help you respond to questions children may have about sexuality. It can help you find the words that feel right to you. There may be more than one way to answer a child’s question depending on their age, their development as well as your own knowledge, comfort, and family values.

Whether it is with your own child, another child in your family, or a child that you care for in a childcare setting, the following 5-Point Plan can help guide your responses to questions that may come up.

POINT	DESCRIPTION	EXAMPLES
1. Respect and promote self-esteem.	Be encouraging. Help them feel good about their questions, their changing bodies, emotions, etc. Positive reinforcement encourages the child to ask you other questions in the future.	“Wow! That’s a great question.”“Thanks for asking me.” “Sounds like you’re curious!” “I’m so glad you asked me.”
2. Ask questions to clarify.	Ask questions. Provides you with insight on the child’s current knowledge and clarifies their question.	“What have you heard about this already?” “What do you think?” “Tell me what you know.”
3. Acknowledge the facts.	Answer honestly. Provide accurate information and clarify any misconceptions in an age-appropriate way.	Example 1 (safety/consent) “Sexual activity is something that two adults can do toge-ther if they both want to. It’s not something children do.”Example 2 (family diversity)“Not all families are the same. Some have a mom and dad, others have two moms or two dads. Some have one parent, or another adult takes care of them.”Example 3 (reproduction) “In order to make a baby, you need a uterus, sperm and an egg.”Example 4 (gender diversity) “Not all boys choose to wear pants, some like wearing skirts. Children can wear all kinds of clothing including different cultural clothing, skirts, pants, dresses, etc.”
4. Communicate values.	Explain the values of your family.	Example 1 (safety/consent) “When you’re an adult, you can decide when and if you are sexual with someone.”Example 2 (family diversity)“Families are made up in many different ways and we respect and accept all families.”Example 3 (reproduction) “Being a parent/caregiver can be a lot of work so it’s important to know that you can care for a baby.” “People can become parents in different ways. Your parents are the ones who raise you and love you.”Example 4 (gender diversity) “In our family/ in our childcare centre, we can wear whatever we feel most comfortable in.”
5. Emphasize responsibilities.	Help them understand their role, responsibilities and what is expected of them.	Example 1 (safety/consent) “If an adult wanted to touch or kiss you or have you touch them, you would need to tell me right away.”Example 2 (family diversity) “It’s important to be accepting of all types of families.”Example 3 (reproduction) “When you are older, you may choose if you want to become a parent.”Example 4 (gender diversity) “It’s important not to make fun of someone for what they wear.”

Tips for Talking about Bodies, Boundaries, & Safety

The information below can be found in Tips for Talking about Bodies, Boundaries, & Safety.

• Provide nurturing touches and interactions that support children’s positive feelings of self and others.
• Provide a variety of opportunities for all children, regardless of gender.
• Talk to children with language and ways that embrace all genders.
• Teach children to accept people’s differences and uniqueness.
• Teach children scientific words for all body parts, including penis, vulva, breast, anus, etc.
• Teach children that their bodies belong to them and that everyone has the right to decide who can and cannot touch their own body.
• Welcome children’s questions by telling them, “I am glad you asked me!” or “What a great question!”
• Encourage everyone in the family (children and adults) to share their feelings.
• Help children to understand how their attitudes and behaviours affect others. Remind children that it is okay to stop and rethink their behaviour, and perhaps even change their mind.
• Tell children clearly and directly what is and what is not appropriate behaviour, without making them feel guilty or ashamed.
• Be a positive role model for children.

Answering Children’s Questions about Sexuality

Why?

• Children are curious about sexuality.
• Children see things around them all the time that are confusing.
• By welcoming questions, a child learns that they can come to you when something is confusing instead of turning to sources that may not give accurate or caring answers.
• This is a way of building a healthy caregiver-child relationship.
• This is an opportunity to share values with children (e.g., honestly, self-esteem).
• Answering questions in a positive way reinforces that sexuality is a wonderful and valuable part of who they are.

How?

• Answering in a way that boosts the child’s self-esteem – “What a great question!”
• Ask the child what they know, think, feel…
• Find a book on the topic of the child’s questions and read the book with the child.
• Take time to think about the answer. This could be a few minutes or a few days, as long as you help the child get an answer.  You may want to talk with another adult about how you might answer a difficult question.
• Acknowledge when you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, if you are.
• Acknowledge when you don’t know an answer and will find out.

When?

• Whenever they ask!
• Even if you do not know the answer, you can respond by saying, “Good question. I will try to find the answer and let you know.”
• Anytime can be a ‘teachable moment’ (e.g., watching a TV program, seeing a pregnant person, when a pet has babies).
• Ask questions even if they don’t – “What do you think?”, “What do you already know about that?” – without forcing them to talk. Just asking says that you can be someone to talk to when they are ready.

What to say?

• Keep it accurate, honest, short, and simple.
• Use words and ideas that the child can understand at their developmental level.
• Be positive – let the child know that you are glad they came to you with their questions.
• Avoid lectures and angry talk.
• Respond to questions about your person sexual activities by teaching about privacy – “You asked if I’d ever had sex. There are some things that are private; you will have private things too that you will not share with everyone.”

This information can also be downloaded in French.

Sexual Development in Children

The information below can be found in Sexual Development in Children (also available in French)

Birth to Age Two

• begin to develop a positive or negative attitude towards own body
• start to learn expected behaviours for different genders
• explore body parts, including genitals
• experience pleasure from touch to all parts of the body, including genitals
• may experience an orgasmic response to rubbing of genitals, perhaps against a toy or blanket
• erections can occur while fetus is still in the uterus or shortly after birth
• vaginal lubrication and clitoral erections may occur shortly after birth

Ages Three and Four

• enjoy exploring their body parts (including genitals, nipples, anus) and self-pleasuring; may touch these body parts when in public places
• show curiosity about bodies; try to look at people when they are nude or undressing
• engage in body exploration games (aka. playing doctor) with friends or siblings
• interested in touching people’s breasts
• experiment with adult words including ‘bathroom words’ and swear terms
• establish a clear belief about their own gender, but also explore various gender roles through play (i.e., dressing up, dramatic play)
• curious about how babies are made but still develop their own ideas about where babies come from regardless of what they are told

Ages Five to Eight

• learn what is acceptable/unacceptable to adults and which adults are comfortable with the subject of sexuality
• more affected by external influences (e.g., peers, media)
• show a strong interest in gender roles that are often stereotypes
• may continue body exploration and self-pleasuring
• try to look at people when they are nude or undressing
• may become modest
• may use sexual language to tease, shock, joke, and/or impress friends

Ages Nine to Twelve

• may continue body exploration and self-pleasuring; aware of erotic element of activities
• may show new interest in physical appearance
• increasing influence by peers and media; may show interest in sexual media
• may show signs of puberty; may have fantasies and crushes

Resources for Raising Sexually Healthy Children

Books for Younger Children

The Bare Naked Book by Kathy Stinson & Melissa Cho, 2021

What Makes a Baby?: A Story For Every Kind of Family and Every Kind of Kid by Cory Silverberg, 2013

Mommy, Mama & Me / Daddy, Papa & Me by Leslea Newman & Carol Thompson, 2009

A Princess of Great Daring by Tobi Hill-Meyer, 2015

The Pronoun Book by Chris Ayala-Kronos & Melita Tirado, 2022

The Uh-oh Feeling: A Story about Touch by Kathryn Cole, 2016

Jacob’s New Dress by Sarah & Ian Hoffman, 2014

Yes! No! A First Conversation about Consent by Megan Madison & Jessica Ralli, 2022

Still my Tessa by Sylv Chiang, 2024

Books for Older Children

Sex is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Feelings, and YOU by Cory Silverberg, 2015

Wait, What?: A Comic Book Guide to Relationships, Bodies & Growing Up by Heather Corinna, 2019

Books & Websites for Caregivers

Talk Sex Today by Salema Noon & Meg Hickling, 2016

Teen Speak by Jennifer Salerno, 2016

toronto.ca/health/SexualHealth

shorecentre.ca/parents

amaze.org/jr

teachingsexualhealth.ca/parents

boostforkids.org

actioncanadashr.org

All listed books are available at Toronto Public Library

This information is also available in French.

Discussing Menstruation with Young Children

The Discussing Menstruation with Young Children Resource is for all parents or guardians of children who are showing early signs of menstruation and are looking for support to discuss menstruation with their children. If this topic is discussed in schools, it is generally discussed near the end of grade 5.

Some children may have started menstruating before this time. This document is meant to encourage communication with children and is not meant to replace medical advice. Parents and guardians are encouraged to discuss their children’s growth and development with their child’s doctor.

This document uses body part words such as vagina, uterus and breast rather than
language that is gender specific, for example ‘girls get their periods’. Toronto Public Health respects people’s use of other words to suit their identities and cultures.